


it's the truth

by blackmushroom



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, F/F, tw: anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:42:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23691049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackmushroom/pseuds/blackmushroom
Summary: LOONA gets their first win, but not everyone is there to celebrate.
Relationships: Jo Haseul/Kim Jungeun | Kim Lip
Comments: 7
Kudos: 73





	it's the truth

They’re all back at the dorm after their first win, faces swollen and a deep sense of pride permeating the room. Wherever Jungeun looks there are goofy smiles and dreamy eyes and she feels at peace. Suddenly she frowns and thinks how there’s one person she hasn’t been able to see dressing this proud look, so she gets their phone and dials quickly.

“Haseeeeul!” She says as soon as the call is picked up.

“Jungeun, everything ok?” Haseul answers with concern.

“Yes! I just didn’t get to talk to you properly earlier.” Jungeun can’t stop smiling at everything that has happened over the last few hours.

“Ahh, I see, how are you?” The older woman chuckles.

“Can I come over?” Jungeun asks in a hopeful tone.

“Now? It’s late, we can meet another day.” Haseul’s leader voice comes out.

“Please? I really wanna see you.” Jungeun has no issue in adding some pleading to make her case stronger.

“Fine, text me when you get here and I’ll open the door.” Haseul answers after mulling over for a few seconds.

Twenty minutes later Haseul’s phone chimes and she goes downstairs to get the door. As soon as it opens she gets pulled into a strong hug that takes the wind out of her. 

“Come on, let’s go.” Haseul offers her hand and takes them up to the roof, grateful that they can be there without interference.

“This is nice, do you come here often?” Jungeun says picking at the blanket she’s currently sitting on next to the other woman.

“I like it, it’s quiet.” Haseul adds after humming in response, not knowing if Jungeun had heard her before, and looks at the street below them.

"So Miss Haseul, how does it feel to have won first place?" Jungeun asks in her best serious voice, pretending she’s holding a microphone and moving her hand towards Haseul.

"Stooop." Haseul giggles and pushes the hand away.

"Very interesting, Miss Haseul, how did you train for this?" Jungeun quirks an eyebrow, the voice still booming.

"Don't be silly..." The leader answers and shakes her head, a soft smile on her lips.

"Okay, okay." Jungeun laughs and drops her hand to hug her legs. "How do you feel, though? We all talked and cried so much on the phone, I don't think I heard you say anything." She laughs, nudging Haseul's shoulder with her own, since they were sitting so close.

Haseul hums and looks a bit lost in thought for a few seconds. "It's great." She says with a smile that doesn't really reach her eyes.

Jungeun frowns at the short response "Seul?"

"What?" The same smile still adorning her face.

"What's wrong?" Jungeun leans her head on Haseul's shoulder.

"Nothing's wrong, why?" Haseul answers looking straight ahead, shoulders tight trying not to disrupt the other girl.

"You're a bad liar, you know?" The younger girl lets go of her legs and hooks their arms together, reaching to intertwine their fingers. "Now tell me." She says giving a soft squeeze on Haseul's hand before caressing her thumb.

"It's nothing, Jungeunie. Let's focus on the good things, yeah? You won first place!" Haseul plays with the hand she's holding and whispers, trying hard not to let any more emotion slip through her voice.

"We." Jungeun stops moving her hand. "We won first place." She lifts her head and turns to look at Haseul, who seems focused on staring at a random spot across the street.

"Ah... yeah." Haseul nods and caresses Jungeun's hand.

"Look at me." Jungeun softly pulls on their hands to get her attention.

"Did you see that guy?" Haseul points at a random passerby with her head.

"Haseul." Jungeun insists.

Haseul slowly turns to her looking at the floor between them, biting her lip anxiously. After a few seconds of silence she sighs and looks up, making eye contact with Jungeun.

Jungeun frowns at the sight, Haseul's eyes are filled with tears and she's trembling and biting her lips harder as if she could stop them from falling.

"I'm sorry..." Haseul whispers, her voice coming out a bit cracked. "It's supposed to be a happy day!" The first tear falls down her cheek.

"It is!" Jungeun reaches out to wipe the tear falling. "It is. Now tell me what's wrong, please."

"I'm so happy for you guys, you did so well!" Haseul says as more tears begin to spill.

Jungeun nods looking confused and waits for the other woman to continue.

"I don't... I wasn't there, it's not... You did great, you deserve the win." Haseul tries, hoping that enough was said that Jungeun would get what she meant, what she couldn't say.

"So do you." Jungeun shakes her head at what Haseul is hinting at.

"No, Jungeunie, you don't get it." Haseul closes her eyes and stops moving for a bit. She breathes in and opens her eyes "I wasn't part of it, I didn't win." The tears don't spill this time and Haseul looks so serious.

"You're right, I don't get it." Jungeun replies looking serious as well. "You're part of this team, no matter what. You deserve this win just as much as we did." Haseul starts shaking her head to deny it and Jungeun goes on "You have been there for years now, helping out everyone, struggling just as much as we did, spending hours at the company to make sure the whole group was doing well. It's not because you haven't physically participated in this comeback that you don't get to be a part of the success we have. And I do mean physically, because even when you're not there you're still helping us out. You heard us after the show, everyone was calling for you."

Haseul stays quiet for a beat, seemingly taking in everything that was being said to her "I don't deserve this." She lets out in a voice so small Jungeun almost couldn't hear it.

"Jungeun, it's the second time it happens. Am I gonna continue to spend months away from the group and come back to celebrate when there's an accomplishment? Soon enough Hyejoo will have more time actively being part of the group than me." Haseul spits back with probably more snark than intended, her voice bitter with frustration. "You're working too hard, everyone is. But I don't seem to be able to keep up." She adds in a weaker voice afterwards.

"Haseul. That's not how it goes. When Sooyoung and Yeojin got hurt during the concert or when I couldn't dance on our show, was it because we weren't keeping up? Anxiety is just like a physical injury, you need to take time away before you go back, otherwise you'll hurt more. It doesn't mean we stop being part of the group whenever we get hurt!" Jungeun says quickly, trying to argue back and make Haseul understand.

Haseul lets out a hollow chuckle and shakes her head again "Jungeun... This isn't the same as you getting hurt. I won't get better." The tone in which she says this is so hopeless and somber Jungeun feels a chill run down her spine.

"Don't say that." The younger girl says in a soft voice, sounding scared of this being true, and squeezes her hand.

"It's true, I have to face it. I thought I had gotten better last time and here I am again. I love the group, I love orbits, I love singing. I just can't do it. I'm too fucked up, too broken." Haseul says looking straight into Jungeun's eyes, trying to get her point across.

"That's not true, you're not broken. This is your anxiety talking, I remember last time as well, please don't go down this road again." Jungeun looks down, not being able to handle the intense eye contact and picks at theirs fingers.

"I'm not going down any road, Jungeun, this is the truth." Haseul adds.

"If it was me feeling like that. Going through what you're going through, would you say that?" Jungeun starts slowly and looks up.

"What?" Haseul frowns at the question.

"If Yerim came to you and said she felt too anxious and couldn't be part of the comeback, would you say she's too fucked up?" Jungeun asks again, making sure to enunciate the last syllables to give a bigger impact to her words.

"No. No, I wouldn't." Haseul quickly denies.

"So why does it make you a fuck up? Broken? If anyone else went through this, you wouldn't dare say this to them. Why do you deserve all this judgment? Why is your situation so final?"

"It's different. She'd be able to get better, you would be able to get better." Haseul is quick to answer.

It's Jungeun's turn to laugh at the absurdity of the words. She wants to make sure she doesn't sound mean, so she quickly squeezes Haseul's hand trying to get the message across. "It's exactly the same. I might not know how it feels, but I am absolutely certain you're just as capable of working on this as anyone else. You keep saying those awful things about yourself as if they were the truth, but they're not! You know, I read about anxiety when it happened the first time because I wanted to help. And I know it doesn't heal like a sprained ankle or a physical injury, because it can come back, just like it did. But you'll slowly become better at dealing with it. It's not going to suddenly stop, you're just going to be better at understanding it and yourself. And it sucks. I hate that you're going through that because you don't deserve this at all. No one does, but I hate to see you suffer like this. Just please don't give up on trying, we'll be there for you every step of the way, you'll always be part of the group no matter what."

Jungeun doesn't let Haseul interrupt her at any moment throughout her speech, just knowing that she needed to get everything out. When she's finished she's pulled into a hug and she feels her body being squeezed. Haseul murmurs a thank you and doesn't let go of the embrace.

"You're so strong, I admire you so much. Even when it's hard you push us to go on, so please let us push you now." Jungeun whispers into Haseul's hair.

They spend a few minutes hugging, Jungeun rubbing soft circles on the older girl's back as she feels her breathing go back to normal.

"Thank you so much." Haseul lets go and leans back. She looks lighter somehow, so Jungeun believes some of her words have gotten through and sighs in relief. “For real, you’ve helped me a lot, not just today.” She adds and brushes a strand of hair that has fallen behind her ear.

“Anytime.” Jungeun smiles and it’s so warm Haseul has no doubt she means it.

“You’re something else, you know?” Haseul chuckles “Doing research for me?”

Jungeun laughs and pushes the other girl softly.

Haseul grabs her face with both hands and repeats herself “Thank you.” She sees Jungeun getting red and squishes her cheeks to break the tension. The younger girl imitates a fish and they both start laughing at the silliness of it.

Haseul feels exhausted from all the talking and leans over again, resting her head on Jungeun’s shoulder. They’re now facing each other, so she’s awkwardly positioned, yet when she opens her eyes she sees Jungeun’s neck in front of her and nuzzles in, appreciating how soft it feels. It gets uncomfortable fast from how she’s having to stretch to be in that position, so she goes back to sitting and sees Jungeun looking absolutely flustered.

“Hmmm what else do you admire in me?” Haseul decides to tease the girl by bringing her words back.

“I-What?” Jungeun chokes on nothing.

“You heard me.” Haseul smirks and looks at her expectantly.

“Uh, I...Ok.” Jungeun fumbles with her words, but takes a deep breath and makes eye contact. “You’re a great leader. You’re really dedicated. I love how you sing, it’s different because of the background, but it’s so soft and pleasant. Your dancing is always improving even though I know it’s not your favorite aspect.” They both chuckle at the comment. “I really like how your ears are different.” Jungeun reaches over and touches each ear, making Haseul shudder. She takes her hand back and apologizes, but Haseul shakes her head “Just ticklish.”

Jungeun nods and stretches her hand again, slowly reaching for the girls eyes. She waits for Haseul to close them before she continues “Your eyes are really sharp. It makes you look serious at first glance.” Her touch is soft and she’s tracing the girl’s eyebrows now, making Haseul flutter her eyes open.

“I like the shape of your eyebrows.” Jungeun adds softly, staring at each area her fingers go through. “Your cheekbones are nice as well.” She cups the girl's face and caresses her cheek. By now they’re looking at each other and Haseul is tempted to break away the eye contact from how intense it feels, her heart pounding in her chest.

“Your lips…” Jungeun rubs her thumb on the girl’s lips making Haseul open her mouth slightly. Jungeun is staring at them and startles when she realizes what she’s doing, making her clear her throat before she continues. “They’re really pretty.” She looks back to Haseul’s eyes, but doesn’t remove her hand.

Haseul is breathing hard, the fluttering on her stomach is intense, yet she doesn’t want it to stop. She looks at Jungeun’s lips for a second and then back to her eyes “Ok, Kim Lip.” Haseul jokes in a low voice and gets a bit closer, checking to see if Jungeun is moving away.

The younger girl drops her hand slowly and also moves closer. By now they’re almost touching and she can feel Haseul’s breath on her lips. She takes a last look at the woman in front of her before she closes her eyes and leans to kiss her. Haseul reacts instantly, kissing back and putting a hand on her cheek to pull her closer, humming softly. Jungeun scratches Haseul’s neck and softly nips at her lip, making the older girl groan. They continue to kiss slowly, learning how to move with each other and what gets the best reaction. 

Jungeun pulls away and presses their foreheads together “Do you want me to stop?” She sounds out of breath.

Haseul lets out a small laugh and answers by pulling her back and kissing again, squeezing her waist. Jungeun giggles at the reaction, making it harder for them to continue kissing as they clink their teeth.

“Sorry.” She softly pecks Haseul’s cheek, a smile basically imprinted on her face.

“No need to apologize.” The older girl smiles back and rubs the girl’s arms, pulling her close to cuddle.

“Today was _such_ a good day.” Jungeun intertwines their fingers again.

“I’m pretty sure it’s past midnight by now.” Haseul looks up to the sky as if that would give her the hours.

“Hmmm don’t care.” Jungeun jokes and nuzzles further into their embrace.

Haseul smiles and takes a deep breath, feeling really happy with herself. She knows the path ahead of her is still hard, nothing has changed on that end, and yet there’s a certain weight off her back. She’s going to keep trying. Her support is unending and, as it’s been pointed out, she’s pretty strong.

**Author's Note:**

> As someone who's suffered with anxiety for a while, I felt like writing about the thought process of feeling undeserving yet seeing a silver lining in having people support you, even if it doesn't change that it's your own battle to fight.
> 
> To anyone going through this: please see a psychologist if possible, it really helps <3
> 
> \--
> 
> you can talk to me on twitter @kimbyult


End file.
